OMFG OMFG the pattern ish real...

OMFG, the pattern is real. That fact ish so scary. The pattern started like, last year, with Geena and Terrence, continued with Alda and Alvin, continued again with me and Ether, and now it might continue once more with Alex and Thao. Well, there's a small a chance that it might continue because ever since the day we all went to Cal Skate, Alex has kinda liked Thao (*ack, cough, puke*). It appears the pattern ish true beacuse our group of close friends has been 8 people, 4 girls and 4 boys, and ever since two of them (*cough-cough* Geena and Terrence *cough*) basically got together, well, okay, they weren't really together, but iono, ish, ish, random shit happened and the "pattern" was created. Lawlz. Pattern works. LOL. I'm just watching and waiting for the pattern to continue. -.- I just realized that if the pattern continues it will have to end because Alex and Thao are the last of our friends......Lawlz......Boredom......Pattern...LOL.....

Waiting for the pattern to continue,
-Haruka Shinigami

Trust the pattern, for it shall continue~

i miss my puppy...

I miss my puppy. Lawlz. Well, of course, if you don't know, I guess I should tell you that my puppy ish my friend, well, boyfriend now, Ether. Yesh yesh, he's my puppy and I miss him because I never get to see him. Dam his parents. Dam our school system. Just dam it. I hate not going to the same school as him. I hate not being with him. I miss my puppy right now. And I know he misses me too (more than I miss him, if what he says is true). Ether is my puppy, and I'm his penguin (LMAO!). Lawlz. ^-^ Bleh. I miss my puppy. I wanna see him again. Because I hardly ever get to see him. Dam fact that he's in high school and I'm stuck in middle (I hate being a year younger than all my friends). T-T Dam everything. His parents are way too overprotective so that's another reason I barely get to see him. Bleh. Well, whatever. Sometimes not seeing him all the time is a good thing. Because then I cherish my time with him much more than I would if I saw him all the time, probablly. Lawlz. I miss my puppy. T-T I hope I get to see him soon....

Thinking only of you,

-Haruka Shinigami

Baiiz~

ack so many poems...

Ack, I just noticed I've posted so many poems recently. *-* I'd love to post a dewdle of mine here, but my internet is failing at the moment. T-T

Okay, somehow my internet let me upload this picture, but I really wanted to upload a different one. *-* Damn blogger, won't let me upload the other dewdle. Oh well, this one's just a pink rose, no duh. And yesh I know it's crappy. And I know my scanner made the colors fade. ): But oh well, it's fine...I guess, though I wish the colors were more even on the computer. Well, lawlz, ya, its crappy and it looks wayy better in the original dewdle. *-* Colors are so faded. You can only barely see the words....

Dewdling and poeming,

-Haruka Shinigami

You don't have to be a great artist to make art~

friendship from a death~

A very blood scene,
Filled with sorrow and death,
And yet,
The one of the greatest things,
Can be created here in this blood field too,
Friendship,
So much blood,
So many bones that create a puzzle,
But still,
A friendship is forming,
As two souls meet for the first time,
And as they meet,
They learn knew things,
They learn of a friendship that might be created,
Together,
They put together the pieces,
The pieces of a puzzle of blood and bones,
Infinite sorrow,
Yet a strong friendship is forming,
Being born of the death of another,
Happiness in death,
Somehow that seems impossible,
But yet it’s how a great friendship can be formed,
And now,
That friendship lives,
Long and strong in the hearts,
Of two friends.

wish~

Wish,
To be with you for now and forever,
Wish,
For our love to last an eternity,
Wish,
To always be your best friend,
Wish,
For everything to always be perfect,
Wish,
To have everyone love each other,
Wish,
For winter to end so spring can come,
Wish,
To be the one you think of all the time,
Wish,
For you to hold me tight and love me dearly,
Wish,
To be your one and only eternal love,
Wish,
For everything to be right between us,
Wish,
To have our perfect happy ending,
Wish,
For our love to never ever end.

little butterfly~

Little butterfly,
Floating in the gentle breeze,
Past the willow trees.

together~

I love you more than anything,
And you love me more than that,
It's almost as though,
We were made for each other,
Because last night,
You were in my dreams once again,
And I bet I was in yours too,
You're always on my mind,
It's impossible for me to stop thinking of you,
I wish I could spend every second of my life,
In your arms,
Comforted by your warmth,
I wish I could be with you,
Right now,
Because I love,
Just as you love me.

you're my everything...

I wake up each day just so I can see you,
And I wish I could fall asleep in your arms,
I dream of you each and every single night,
And somehow I know you dream of me too,
I sneak onto the computer just to talk to you,
And I call you just so I can hear you voice,
And I know that you’d always do that same for me,
You’re the reason I try so hard to do my best,
If anyone asks why I’m always so happy,
My answer would have to be because of you,
You’re simply and absolutely everything to me,
If you weren’t there for me I don’t know who I’d be,
Because I surely could no longer be just me,
Because I cannot be myself if I don’t love you.

winter

Everything is frozen in place in crystal patterns,
Everything is covered in a thick and hazy frost,
Everything is blanketed in a layer of snow and ice,
Everything is the perfect shade of bright white,
Everything is chilled by the cool winds,
Everything is hazy and cool and windy and snowy,
Everything is calm in the coldness,
Everything is peaceful in the chill,
Everything is perfect,
During winter.

i guess good things do happen

LaLaLa~ Yesh, I'm very happy right now. And for good reason too. Lawlz. Good things do happen if your willing to wait for them and to make them happen. ^^ This week has been so good, in a way. Well I'm basically brain dead right now, so I'm just gonna end this post with a little poem.

~You and I~

You've always said hi,

With a smile,

You've always said goodbye,

Even though you don't want to,

You've always tried your best,

When I was there,

I've always tried to impress you,

Because I wanted you to notice,

I've always let you walk away when you must,

Even though it hurt to let you do so,

I've always kept my promise,

Because I knew you wanted me to,

You and I are one and two,

Best friends for now and forever,

But something seems different,

I wasn't sure exactly what it was,

Until you said "I love you"

And I said "I love you too."

Happy Happy Happy,

-Haruka Shinigami

Just wait, something good will come~

now what??

Well, now that everything has happened, the only question left is 'now what?' And well, I don't actually know. Apparently I'm an idiot too. *sigh* The simplest of questions is the hardest to answer. And it's always been like that. And it always will be. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. No matter how much I wish that life, and love, could just be simple, it's not gonna change. Life's fair. Ya right, whoever decided to say that was either a total liar, or a total jerk; or most likely, both. Lawlz. The only question I have is now what? And I can't answer it. No one seems to be able to. *sigh* Life never makes sense. Love makes even less sense. And well, friends, just give up trying to understand them. Well I'm brain dead right now so I'm gonna end this post here.

Thinking wayy too much,

-Haruka Shinigami

If you know someone doesn't have an answer, don't ask them the question.

clouds....

High above,
Clouds fly,
Weightless,
Airborn,
Free,
To do as they please,
Drift to where they want,
Rain,
Cold,
Wet,
Above us,
They fly,
No restraints,
Just the win and the air.

i fail, again!! T.T

I was bored a while back and I drew this pokemon fanart pic. Yesh yesh, it's Togepi and I failed at it. Well, I fail at all art, especially fanart. Though I did learn a couple years back that I can succeed at pokemon fanart. Sometimes. I ish a failure at art. Yesh, my skills are in memorization, music, and running; a.k.a. I can play some sports. I fail at art and catching things. Lawlz. Boredom. This drawing sucks. So does my scanner. And my computer screen makes it hard to look at my drawings for too long because they are so bright. Ahhh. Bright colors. I want the darkness back. Lawlz. I was running out of tan color pencil and I was too lazy to sharpen it. So lawlz, it's colored crappyly too. Lawlz. ^^ Crappy Dewdlez Inc. Lawlz.

Dewding because I have nothing else to do,

-Haruka Shinigami

When everything's done, just dewdle~

another happy ending??

Life never has happy endings. I should know. Life's shit. No one cares about. They all secretly hate you. Look around, how many of these people, these strangers do you actually know? How many could you call your best friend? The answer, in plain reality, is none. No one cares about you. No one truly loves you. It's a lie. An illusion. Unrealistic. Nonexistent. Nothing. And of course I should know. Everything in my life has had a terrible and cruel ending. Nothing is as it seems. Nothing has a happy ending. Happy endings exist only in fairy tales and other stories we tell little children to make them shut up and go to bed. They believe the phony lies because, well, they're kids, unknowing and innocent. They've never seen the harsh world called reality. They're the lucky ones. They don't understand why there is pain in this world. Why there is something else, other than love. Hatred. And this complex and unbelievable thing, called hatred is what rules our corrupt and demented world. There is nothing good left. No happiness. Just endless sadness. Depression. Slowly it takes another life. Slowly it kills. Destroys. And right now, I'm just going through another happy ending....

Depressed,

-Haruka Shinigami

Cry. Cry because there is nothing else left worth completing~

dam it; i can't win this game...

I hate losing. That's a simple fact. But I can't win this game. Why? Well, it's simply because the bastard Ether won't play fair. Dam it. I hate losing. But I can't win this game. It's unfair to start with because the only rule is against me, but he's also playing unfairly. Dam it. I hate to lose, but I don't want to win either. And I CAN'T WIN. Bleh. Don't want to lose, but don't want to win either. Dam it, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. And there is absolutely no way out. *sigh* I hate this game. It's so twisted and messed up. Basically it's the hardest stradegy game in the world, even though it has the simplest rule. T.T I can't win because I don't want to and my opponent doesn't play fair (like he ever does). I seriously don't want to lose, but I'd hate winning this game too. Bleh. Stupidity. I might as well accept losing because I don't want to win, but my hatred for losing is even more than the hatred of winning. *sigh*

Trying to win an impossible game,

-Haruka Shinigami

Never play an unfair game~

T.T missing you...

Well, yesh I've kinda been thinking a lot recently and I seriously just realized how much I miss all my friends that moved away. Jessica. Jack. And all you other people. I miss you all so much. I miss all the fun times we had together. Jessica I'd just like to say, Chaos Squad Forever!! (: And Jack, don't forget us, because we sure as hell haven't forgotten you (ya, Will talks about you nearly every single day, saying he misses you so much). Lawlz. Yesh, I miss you all so much. School is so boring now. No one to talk to. Nothing to do. It's just, well, boring, nothingness, monotonous...is there any other words to describe how bad school is without you people? I've heard some things about you and how you've been, but still, it's lonely. Everyday is as boring as the last, or worse sometimes. I seriously hate going to school because so many of my friends are gone, because they either moved away (a.k.a. Jessica and Jack) or went to high school (a.k.a. Alda, Geena, Ether, Alex, Alvin, Terrence, Jay, Le, Brian, Claire, Austin, Sherry, Andy, Thomas, Bryan, Patrick, Joshua, and many more...and sometimes I even miss the obnoxious, rude, poseur, Shawn). Lawlz. I miss you all so much. I wish we could go back and time and change it so you didn't have to move and you didn't have to graduate. But, unfortunately that's one thing we cannot change no matter how much we want to; the past. But maybe, just maybe, we might meet again in the future, the only thing we still have the control over. T.T I miss you all so much. I hate the monotony of school. The never ending hours of boredom. And well, ever so lame and tiring days that pass by nearly unnoticed for time seems to fly when you can no longer pay attention for more than two seconds without your mind drifting too more, well, saddening and depresssing thoughts. I miss you all so much. I doubt I could even describe how much I miss you here in words, but I will try my best. Life seems, boring, monotonous, uninteresting, lame, pointless, tasteless, sad, depressing, and well, it's just no fun without you all. It's just boring. Nothing to do. No one to talk to. Just endless nothingness. *sigh* I miss you all so much...

Living a monotonous life,

-Haruka Shinigami

Without you, life means nothing~

wow, math was boring....

Well, I was extremely bored during math today, that is, after our district tesing off course. I mean, what can you do when you have a substitute teacher, are done taking a boring geometry test, and all you have is a piece of scratch paper?? Dewdle of course. ^^ Bleh, well I was very bored today. Mainly because my first three classes today were substitutes. That and because it's Friday and no one could do anything because they have chinese school tomorrow. Bleh. Lawlz. Boredom.

Dewdling out of boredom,

-Haruka Shinigami

It's not like art's a bad thing~

dewdling in math class....

Dewdling in math class is fun. I mean, there isn't much else to do in class, that is except learn. Ewwz. Lawlz. Well, yesh I dewdle in math class. On my math notes to be more specific. That little ninja star, abstract flower thingy there, I drew that on my math notes in class today. Lawlz. I have absolutely no idea where that picture came from, I was just dewdling on my math notes and that little thingy appeared. Lawlz. I'm not exactly sure what it's supposed to be. Maybe a ninja star. Maybe a totally plain abstract flower. Well, I don't know, but it's something. Lawlz. Maybe I should pay more attention to what my inspiration is for a drawing, that is if I have one, then to critize the outcome. Lawlz. But still, I have no other things to do, so I'm probably going to be drawing a lot more now. Mainly because it's awesome, and also because since my laptop powercord died I have nothing to write with except paper and pencil. Ewwz. So not many poems, though I'll probably write a whole bunch. Just not upload them as fast because I used to just transfer the file. Now I must type them up again. With picture, I just scan it and upload and I'm done. Lawlz. Dewdlezz, poems, they're all here. Lawlz.

Brain dead from drawing,

-Haruka Shinigami

fArting~

well, i've been feeling "artistic" lately...

Well, as always I change what type of art I like to do from week to week. Last week was poetry, and this week just so happens to be dewdling. I've been dewdling like crazy this week, from simple drawings that I do out of boredom, to dewdling on my math notes, and much more. Lawlz. Well, since I'm just that type of person I'm going to share a bunch of my recent dewdlez with you people. Lawlz.

Yesh yesh, this pic sucks, mainly because the anatomy is way off. So very very off. This drawing is so crappy. But oh well, nobody's perfect. I like the left eye a lot more than the right eye. Lawlz. And the hair absolutely sucks. Bleh. Well, enough said about this pic. My scanner sucks tho, so it's so much less shaded than on the paper. Yesh yesh, it's crappy.

Well, yesh, it's an abstract flower type of dewdle. I did this at home while I was bored and staring at my family's Christmas tree. I ran out of room on the paper which is why some of the flower petals are cut off. And yesh, this dewdle sucks a lot too because, well, the petals aren't even remotely the same size. If you just glance at it, it might look perfect, but when you stare at for a while you will notice that it's uneven and stuffz. I had no inspiration and was at a total mental block from so much homework that I began to draw and this thing appeared. Lawlz. Bleh. This one's so plain.

Well, I was bored, and again, had no inspiration and began to dewdle. Yesh, it's another abstract flower. This one ish kinda based on a tulip, but I'm not exactly sure what it's supposed to be though. Lawlz. Well, I did kinda get the idea of abstract flowers from my friend Geena because she used to draw them all the time, but whatever, I was just dewdling crappy dewdlez again.

Well, this one I drew in language arts class after some random district test we had to take. So after I finished the test, I was bored and began dewdling, again. I started it in language arts class, but then class ended so I decided to continue it at lunch, so ya, the entire lunch period I was working on it too. Yesh yesh, it's another crappy drawing, not like any of my drawings are good. Lawlz. Well, I worked on the shading at home. And then after a while I realized how off the back petals are and since I drew them too dark I couldn't fix them. Lawlz. Well, I think this is the best of the three abstract flowers I posted here, but still, it's totally crappy.

Still dewdling,

-Haruka Shinigami

A good painter can make art with any brush~

yesh yesh, im a crappy artist, i know....

Well, I was really bored a while ago and I sketched out this really crappy picture of a tree. Yesh yesh, I know I'm a crappy artist, but still I shall share my art with you people. I know it's total shit, but it's not my fault. I was bored and I was just sketching. The roots of the tree are shit, I mean, they don't even look realistic. Lawlz. And wow, I just realized how shitty my scanner is because this is a black and white drawing and the only color in it should be from the blue and red lines on the paper because I was stupid enough to draw this on a piece of binder paper, but when you look at it, there's like a rainbow of colors within the leaves of the tree. Lawlz. Well, whatever. And, yesh, it's just a tree. And yesh it's crappy. The rock isn't shaded right so it looks fake in that way too, the roots are messed up, and I just took a pen and randomly scribbled out the leaves. It's shit. Don't even try to tell me that it's good or that I have "skillz." Because A) I know it's shit, and B) I do not know of, or possess, these "skillz" you speak of. ^^ Lawlz. So ya, it's a tree that was created out of boredom. I doubt I had any real inspiration for it at the time. I just know that I drew it free hand and without looking at a real tree. So of course, it's another crappy free hand drawing, but instead of being like that last drawings I posted here, I did not do this one in 5th grade but instead this year. Lawlz. Yesh, after 3 years of drawing, I still suck. So I guess I shall just continue to dewdle even though all of my drawings/dewdles/whatever else you want to call them are shit.

Still dewdling,

-Haruka Shinigami

Another crappy drawing~

bloody rain

Endless clouds,
Darkened skies,
Peaceful before the storm,
Sudden chaos,
Crackling thunder,
Lightning flashing across the sky,
Crimson rain,
Foul smell,
Cold,
Wet,
Blood.

ill tear this world apart

I'm going to tear this world apart,
Destroy it as it is,
For no one cares,
If I died tonight,
But would they care,
If I killed them in the night,
I'm going to tear this world apart,
For they are already destroying it themselves,
Does anyone notice the damage they are doing,
Must I shout,
To make anyone realize,
I exist to save,
What they, and I,
Hold precious,
And care about,
Must I show them what they've done,
For them to see,
All the pain they've caused,
Or will they realize it themselves,
Must I tell them of all the hurt,
That they have caused,
Would they notice if they're world changed,
In a day,
A month,
A year,
Or even in a single minute,
Or would they turn a blind eye,
To the destruction,
The pain,
The death,
And everything else that comes,
From the things they have chosen to do,
Is it possible for a person to change,
Or must the world change,
For that person to seem different,
Would anyone care if another species died,
Or another plane crashed,
Or another war was started,
Would anyone care about this world,
Or would they only care that they are still alive,
Would they care if peoples’ dreams are broken,
By the choices that they make,
Or will the things fall in place,
The same as they always have,
Where no one cares,
Everyone lies,
Everything’s wrong,
And nothing is right,
Must I die to prove to them,
That they are killing me,
Or will they see the damage,
That they have done to this world,
Shall broken dreams come to live,
Again in pain,
Misery,
As a world crumbles,
In the death of itself,
For everything that it’s done,
Has destroyed it in some way,
Pollution,
And poison,
Weapons,
And wars,
Everything was created for destruction,
And from the pain of others,
I hate the way,
That others see,
Everything around them,
They look at it,
Aimlessly,
As though it has no point,
For existence,
Or being,
Is it possible for someone to die,
And someone actually notices,
Impossible,
For everyone is caught up,
In the world they create,
Where everything happens according to plan,
Impossible it is,
For things to go exactly,
As one say they should,
For nature takes its own path,
Killing,
Destroying,
And terrorizing,
Those that hold it dear,
For God takes the lives of those,
Who cherish his kingdom,
And decides to let those who kill,
Live lives free of terror,
I’m going to tear this world apart,
For no one cares anymore,
If everyone were to die,
They’d live a life,
Full of joy,
In a bubble of deathly consequences,
Of everything that goes wrong,
It seems to center around,
The good that happens,
And the bad that rules,
Everything is dark,
Depression comes,
And disappears just as fast,
Or sometimes longer too,
But I hate they way the world is,
I’m going to tear it apart,
For once the pieces of the puzzle,
Are in their corrects places,
A picture is created,
And this picture shows,
Of all the pain,
Of a world of dark,
Depression,
Hate,
And war,
And this is just the beginning,
Of the transformation from Earth to Hell,
For when the final piece of the endless puzzle,
Shall be placed,
The world shall fall apart,
And I refuse to let that happen,
So I have promised,
To the devil,
My friends,
Family too,
That I will tear this world apart,
Destroy it as it is,
For pain and death rule the Hell,
That we have created.

Learning to Fall; i'm alone again x.x

Well, it once again seems like something is wrong. And I don't mean life in general, but something different. Suddenly, all my friends seem distant. It's beginning to seem like I don't even know them anymore. For example, Andy's been distant, and crazier than ever. Some of us are beginning to think he's depressed and on the verge of going insane. Not that he isn't crazy already, but we mean fully insane, almost mental. Everyone seems distant, like they're not even from the same planet. I miss them. I never get to see them anymore, and when I do get to talk to them, it seems like so much is happening without me. I'm left out, like always before. So much has happened without me, and so much has been happening that does involve me. There's no way around it anymore, I'm alone and I knew it. Every single time I talk to my friends, they're not the same. Everyone has changed in some way. I can't think of why but it seems like even those who I consider friends are beginning to hate me too. I think the precentage of people I know who hate me has gone up from 75% to nearly 99% now. *sigh* Everyone, why must you have changed so much? I miss the old you. Last year you were all someone different from what you are now. It's like I don't know any of you anymore. Can't you all just pretend for one moment that things are the same? I feel left out. I feel alone, and at this moment I am. No one cares about me. No one would care if I died tonight. Sometimes I wonder why you all changed, and I'm beginning to blame myself for it all. Just as always, I take others problems and blame myself. No one is the same person I'd come to know. No one is what they were. I'm sorry, but I hate it that you have all changed. Even though I've changed too, I'm still so much more like myself than the rest of you people. But there's no way around it. You've all changed and I must accept that fact, even if it kills me. I know that you're all different, and you no longer care. You wouldn't care if I died tonight, nor would you care if it was all your fault. You'd all just continue to live your lives like nothing has happened. Sometimes I wonder who you are, because there is no way you can call yourself the same person you were before. Because if you did, then you'd just be a liar. I'm learning to fall. Yes there's a phrase for it. I'm learning to fall. That song fits my life right now too. For none of you see what's happening to me. And you don't care either. None of you, you're not the same. And at times thats scary. Other times that's a good thing. But right now, you all seem distant. No longer someone I can call a friend. I'm sorry, but you're just not the same.

Learning to Fall,

-Haruka Shinigami

Goodbye~

omfg, i cant believe i found these drawings...

Well I was cleaning my room today and I can't believe it but I found these drawings that I did back in elementary school. I mean, I can't even believe that I still have these things because they're so old. I know, I was a crappy artist back then but still, I thought it would be nice to post these drawings here. ^^Well, yesh it's a bunch of fruit and some flowers. This one I remember the inspiration. It was because in 5th grade we had a whole bunch of art projects because my teacher was awesome like that. Lawlz. So one of our projects was to try and draw a bowl of fruit that she had set out for us. Yesh, it was really fun and after I saw how okay my drawing was I continued to draw a whole bunch of fruit drawings. Well, this is the only one I can find but still I had a whole bunch before. And the flower part of this, I think was because I was just bored and I thought it looked kinda plain so I drew in some flowers. Lawlz. Well, ya either I seriously paid no attention to the way I colored things in back then or my scanner sucks for color drawings because all the color is faded and stuffz. Yesh yesh, another crappy free-hand drawing. I was obviously bored back in 5th grade.

Ya, this is another a drawning I did back in 5th grade. I kinda forgot where I got my inspiration from but I know for a fact it had something to do with the fact that I loved to knit and stuffz back then and I thought it would be cool to draw a broken ribbon or string or whatever it is. And yesh, this is a free hand drawing so I know that it is totally crappy. And I think it looks really shitty because I drew it on binder paper so there is a whole bunch of tiny blue lines through it. Lawlz. Well, even though this drawing is really crappy I like it a lot because even though you might not get it, there is a hidden meaning in it. Lawlz. Yesh yesh, this drawing means a lot to me and I still cannot believe I still have it after so long.

I must say, once again that either I colored this in crappy or my scanner is shit because the original drawing is so more colorful that this. Lawlz. Well the inspiration for this is quite obvious. Yesh yesh, I used to go bowling all the time back in elementary school. So of course I'd draw a picture of it eventually. Lawlz. Yesh yesh, it's another crappy free hand drawing. Lawlz. I know I suck at drawing but still I felt like sharing these drawings because yesh, somehow I was able to find them after so long. ^^

Dewdling,

-Haruka Shinigami

A picture's worth a thousand words~

yayz tennis, that was fun~

Yayz, I got to play tennis today. Yesh, that's not the most exciting thing in the world, I know, but my annoying parents were being true bitches recently and wouldn't let me play the past couple days because I was recovering from "major" surgery. In my book getting your wisdom teeth removed isn't that big a deal. But I guess to parents it is. Lawlz. Well, yesh tennis was fun today. Except for the fact that Thao hit me with her racquet. T.T That hurt a lot. And then Alvin hit me with a tennis ball. -_- Not fun. And finally Ether kept aiming at me with the tennis balls, though he never succeeded in hitting me. Lucky me. Lawlz. Well, other than that fact I had fun. I got some good backhand shots in, which is awesome because I totally suck at backhand. And although most of my serves sucked, I did get a couple good ones in. Lawlz. Well, yesh yesh that was very fun. ^^ Though it ended earlier than I wished because everyone had to go home; well, everyone except Ether, Thao, Geena, and Alvin. They all wanted to come over to my house and play Rockband but they couldn't because my parents were busy moving the furniture in my house, which yesh, included the TV and Wii. So they couldn't come. T.T I wish they could have. Well, still it was a fun day. I mean, any day that I get to hang out with my friends and play tennis is fun. I mean, today wasn't the best day of tennis ever. Because dam Ether tricked us and told us to go to the high school, but as always, we outsmarted him again and went to the park to play instead. Yesh yesh, a fun day. ^^

Having fun,

-Haruka Shinigami

FYI, don't ever let incompetent fool plan a get together~

from the shadows

From the shadows,
I watch,
Silently,
Fearful for that if I make a sound,
Someone might notice me,
But still I watch,
As they kill again,
Destroy as they wish,
Never caring about the pain,
They bring to others with their actions,
Never noticing,
Not even once,
The consequences that shall follow,
For they don't care,
If they go to Heaven or Hell,
They just care about nothing,
Everything I cherish,
They've destroyed,
And here I stand,
Inivisible in the shadows,
Just watching,
For even though I'd love to kill them,
Then and there,
Once and for all,
I don't do anything,,
For if I killed,
And destroyed,
Even such a foul thing as them,
I'd be just like them,
A murderer,
And becase I never want to be,
Anything even remotely similiar to them,
I don't do anything,
I just watch,
Invisible,
Silent,
Ghostly.

red tears

Red tears falling,
Downward toward Hell,
As the black sky above,
Cries as well.

beauty of night

Shining darkness,
Endless night,
Twinkling star,
Peaceful light.

a peaceful world....i wish i was there

Yesh, this is a black and white picture I found and I think it's very peaceful. I wish I was there at the moment. I mean, my life has been so very hectice recently. Hectic and confusing. I'd probably die to just get one moment of peace now a days. Everything is suddenly go go go. There's no longer any time to just sit around and hang out. Just stare at the sky for endless hours and just talk about nothingness. But no. Life is never that simple. And it never will be. Not in this chaotic world. If I could then I'd just stop time. And I'd just look and see how chaotic life is even when it's no longer active. Sometimes I wonder if death is more peaceful than life, but I never truly want to find out because you never know, Hell might just be worse. And it probably is. But when you think about it, can anything be more crazy and chaotic than life? I mean, when you're dead it's just nothing. Endless nothingness. Oblivion. But life, there's everything. Feelings. Thoughts. Everything. Chaoticness. Hecticness. Everything. I just want it all to end. Just be peaceful for once. *sigh* I know that will never happen. Not in my life. And most likely never. Argh, dam chaos, just end. I need one peaceful moment before I go crazy. Lawlz.

Overloaded with chaos,
-Haruka Shinigami

You never know when you're gonna need a break from life~

another blank puzzle

You’re life’s a puzzle,
Impossible to solve,
For I have no basis,
Nothing to start from,
Just nothing,
I must be insane,
To try and unravel your past,
And figure out how it compares,
To the present,
And the future,
Sleepless nights and endless days,
Lay ahead,
For all I can do at the moment,
Is take what I know,
And beginning sewing it together,
Like scraps of fabric,
Torn and ripped,
Memories,
Faded and destroyed,
By constant pain,
And here I am,
Trying to figure out,
Why you’ve changed,
When I know nothing,
Absolutely nothing,
I’m trying to create something,
From what currently doesn't exist,
And I know it will never work,
Yet I still try,
I still care,
Even though you’ve hurt me,
But still I try,
With my best efforts,
To figure out what you mean,
When you say what you do,
And what you mean,
By the things that you do,
But no matter how hard it is,
Or how long it takes,
I will one day,
Solve this puzzle,
This blank puzzle.

well this ish shitt x.x total fricken shit

Yesh, it's Black Friday, finally. Unfortunately I'm stuck at home decorating for CHRISTMAS. T.T It's an entire month away and my family already has a tree set up and my mom keeps yelling at me to help them decorate it. As if that'll ever happen... ^^ Boredom. I want to go shopping today but no. I hate my family tradition to set up for Christmas the day after Thankzgiving. I mean, come one it's Black Friday and there is a lot of things I'd love to buy at the moment. Like, hello, a five-stringed bass guitar from Guitar Center. That would be totally awesome because I'm fricken sick of my P-Bass. And yesh, I'd love to buy another guitar for our Rockband game. I mean, I only have three controllers for the game, the mic, guitar, and drums, and I have a lot of friends who come over and want to play. Also, I'd love to go to a bookstore and buy a whole bunch of manga thats on sale. Come on, I could list enough stuff that I want to buy today that you prolly couldn't even get it all even if you had all year to buy it. Yesh yesh, the main place I want to go to today is Guitar Center because that place ish fricken awesome. And I seriously need a new bass. That, and come on it's Guitar Center. They have every type of guitar you can think of, and they have mics and drum sets. It's totally awesome there. And it's Black Friday so of course a whole bunch of stuffz is going to be on sale. But no, I can't go anywhere because I'm stuck at home because my stupid family is decorating for Christmas way too early. Me ish sad because every single year since forever my family has done this. T.T They decorate on Black Friday. Black Friday for crying out loud. The one day a year that everything is on sale. T.T I want to go shopping today, but I know I can't. So I might as well just sit at home and talk to my friends on meebo.

Stuck at home,

-Haruka Shinigami

Black Friday is here~

peaceful death, loving death

You've always spoken as though,
You were going to take back what you said,
Hesitent even to say "I love you,"
I question why I should trust you,
You've only lied,
Never honest,
Not even to yourself,
You're conscience is thick,
Yet somehow you're able to ignore it,
Always breaking the rules,
Always hurting those who care about you,
You're considered innocent,
Protected by a wall,
A shield of lies,
I don't fully understand why I'm still here,
Trying to help you,
When all you've done is hurt me,
Destroyed my dreams,
Killed my hopes,
And yet here I stand,
By your side,
Trying desperately to help you,
Even though I know perfectly well,
That helping you will kill me,
But in the end,
I don't care,
Because though you're a liar,
A thief,
Guilty of all crimes,
I can't help,
But still love you,
I watch,
Silently,
As you steal my life,
As you kill me,
You,
My love.

one night~

I suddenly I miss being alone,
I miss the safety that nighttime used to bring,
I feel open,
Vulnerable,
I feel as though I was being watched,
Never truly at peace,
It's like I'm an open book,
Easy for anyone to read,
The day brings no happiness,
And the nights are restless,
There is no peace,
Not even in my own mind,
I'm falling apart,
Piece by piece,
Collapsing,
A black hole has taken the place of my heart,
And slowly,
Ever so slowly,
It's eating away at me,
Soon I will be nothing,
Oblivion,
Insanity is unavoidable,
Darkness is closing in,
Life is ending,
And I'm here,
Watching,
Waiting,
For the dark insanity to tear you apart,
Just as it did me,
That sad and endless night.

shizz, im hella fricken scared now!! x.x

Dam it. Dam this all. I'm fricken scared. I mean, there's this guy that I don't even know that is in like fricken love with me. I'm scared. Who wouldn't be scared of some stalker guy who is almost constantly fantasizing about you? Lucky me, I don't even know half of what he's said to my friend Ether. HaHaHa~ ^^ Still, I highly doubt I'm going to be getting a good night's sleep anytime soon. T.T Shizz. I mean, why must this happen to me? Why must this stalker dude be obsessed with me? Well, I don't know and I seriously don't ever want to. *sigh* I feel like just finding this guy and killing him. Unfortunately, or fortunately actually, I don't know this guy. So all the info about his "thoughts" is extremely censored by the time I hear it because Ether is nice like that. Shizz, I'm scared now. Extremely scared. I mean, who wouldn't be if there was some freaky stalker thinking of you? *sigh* You might think that it's not that scary but if you were in my posistion you'd probably be scared out of mind. I know I am. Lucky lucky me, I don't even know half of his thoughts. And trust me, you don't want to even know the little that I do. Because, hmm....how can I put this so that it stays PG-13?...it's very very very perverted and vivid. T.T I'm scared. Very scared. I would love to just take this guy and shove him in an oven and let him die. Or lock him in the iron maiden...hmm, now wouldn't that be fun? Lawlz. Yesh yesh, I'm laughing at all the terribly cruel ways I could kill this guy. If you were me I bet you'd be thinking of many ways to destroy this human-that is if you can even call him a human. No, I don't consider him a human, instead I'm going to consider him as a pervert, stalker, ect. Lawlz. Yesh, I hate this guy and I seriously feel like finding him and just fricken having people tear him limb from limb, light him on fire, and cut him open, letting him see his own guts pour out in front of him. Lawlz. Yesh I know I'm cruel and terrible, but I'm scared and I seriously think this guy deserves it. He's perverted beyond his age, a stalker, and I believe he should be locked away in some prison where I never have to meet him. Lawlz. Okay, ya, I agree, all that does seem a little cruel. So I'm going to just stick with the idea that if I ever meet him I'm going to, hmm....just kick him where the light don't shine. Yesh, that's one way to put it. Lawlz. Well, I'm scared out of my mind at the moment, so I guess I should just end this post.

Scared,

-Haruka Shinigami

Be careful, because you never know who's watching you~

happy thankzgivingz~

I hope you all have a happy thanzgiving because I know that I probably won't. Mainly because my family is all coming to my house to celebrate this year. T.T Which means I'm going to have to spend all day cleaning and stuffz. That and there is nothing to do. And there is absolutely nothing to watch on TV because it's all the old cartoons, and reruns. So ya, there is a very boring day in store for me. -_- I feel like just going back to sleep but I don't feel like it because of all the damnable nightmares I'd have. Oh yeah, if you're wondering why there is a picture of a mushroom here it's because I was very very bored and I was messing around with the computer programs and I turned one of my sketch drawings into this, Chalky the mushroom. It seemed kind of festive too because it's thankzgiving and we eat mushrooms and other food like that at my house on thankzgiving. Lawlz. *sigh* Boredom. Very very bored. Oh well, in a matter of hours my house will be full of my family and I will no longer be bored. No instead I'll be driven insane by my family. Yesh yesh, what a fun day. Thankzgiving ish always so fun; in it's own way that is. Yesh yesh, so happy thankzgiving. And remember to eat until you can eat no more. ^^ Yesh, and eat enough for me too because I know I won't be able to eat much because just two days ago I got my wisdom teeth remove. T.T Well, in a couple of weeks I'll be able to eat again. So, yesh, have a happy thankzgiving and remember to enjoy yourself. =D LaLaLa~ Happy Happy Happy Thankzgivingz~

Celebrating,

-Haruka Shinigami

Have a Happy Thankzgiving~

non-existant

Once again I find myself alone,
Surrounded by a thousand people,
I look on and watch,
Silently,
No one here understands me,
Instead they hate me,
And turn a blind eye,
I walk past them all,
Invisibly,
I hear them talk,
Talk about me,
All they say is lies,
That were created by their leader,
Their queen,
Sometimes I wonder,
Why I feel so alone,
Even when there are so many around,
Then I realize why,
They don't care,
They never did,
So here I am,
Alone, invisible,
A ghost among the living,
A silent wind passing unnoticed,
Past everything,
I realize that to everyone,
I'm non-existant.

Yesh yesh, that was a poem I wrote out of total boredom in math class last week. I was aimlessly searching through my backpack last night and I was extremely bored that I started to look through my math notes. And yesh, I found this poem scratched out on one of the pages of my notebook. Lawlz. Well, yesh, since I like writing poetry you better expect a poem here every once in a while. ^^

Being artistic,

-Haruka Shinigami

Laterz~

i miss all you peoplez x.x

Dam it, I miss all you high schoolers. I mean, school is no fun without you people there. T.T I wish I could just skip to high school, then I could hang out with you peoplez nearly every single day. Alda, Alvin, Alex, Geena, Ether, Terrence, Jay, everyone. I miss all you people. Sometimes I even miss Shawn and some of the other bastards that were my friends. *sigh* I mean, sure we have a whole bunch of stuff to do at school like parkour club now, but still, it's absolutely no fun without you people. I mean, in general, life is shit. I miss you all so much. Mainly because my "friends" in middle school aren't really that fun to hang out with. Lets see, Thao acts like she hates me at times. Andy is totally insane and pure annoyance. George can be quite annoying at times. Wesley is boring. Steven is pure shit to talk with. And like, everyone else hates me. I mean, even though I have some friends at my school I still feel left out because no one is into the same things as me. And I believe that deep down, even those "friends" hate me too. I mean, I miss all you high schoolers. Even though I see some of you 2 or 3 times a week I still miss you all so much. School is shit. It's absolutely boring without all you people to talk to and hang out with. There is nothing to do. The good teachers are leaving. The remaining ones hate us, the 8th graders. And etc. etc. I'd love to just skip 8th grade and go to high school. I hate middle school. Everyone hates me. I'm left out. I'm alone. T.T I wish I could just spend every second of every day just hanging out with all you people. Never having to worry about school, or homework, or parents. But unfortunately, no, life is not perfect like that. *sigh* 2 more trimesters, thats all. Just another 7 months. Thats all I have to deal with before I graduate middle school and can once again hang out with you peoplez. Well most of you at least because, of course, there are a few of you who won't go to the same high school as me next year. T.T Dam it all. I hate it. School is boring. My "friends" there hate me. I'm alone and I hate it. I can't wait until next year. Then I'll be able to see you all again. *sigh* I seriously don't feel like going to school for the next 7 months, but of course, I have too. *sigh* x.x Dam it. Oh well. I'll just go to the monotous place I call school and will just live each and every single day like a robot, emotionless and repeating a never ending pattern. That is until next year. Lawlz. ^^ Well, school is shit, and I miss you all. So, lawlz.

Missing my friends,

-Haruka Shinigami

When you're gone~

dam it!! ether's not my brother; qwertyuiop

Seriously people, I'm not Ether's sister. So can you guys seriously, like, stop fricken mistaking me for his sibling? Come on, we're not even the same ethnicity. He's Chinese. I'm Japanese and white. I mean, we don't look alike, or do we? I don't know, but I'm totally serious that it's beginning to piss me off the everyone thinks I'm his sibling. I mean, on Sunday some random guy thought I was his sister. And I showed a few of my friends pics of me and my other friends and they thought Ether was my brother too. It'd be weird if he was my brother. I mean, I didn't even meet Ether until last year and stuffz. So ya, people I'm seriously sick of all you people saying that I look like I'm related to my friends. I mean, WTH? Were not even related at all. Were not even the same ethnicity. T.T Can you peopl just stop asking me if I'm Ether's sister? It's beginning to get old and it's not funny. Well, its not funny to me at least. I bet it's funny to you, but it's fricken annoying to me. =[ I hate it. I mean, if I had to choose one of my friends to be related too, I'd pick Alda and be her twin. Lawlz. But Ether's sister. WTF? He used to like hate. And a lot of you people who keep asking me if he's my brother, you all think he likes me too. *shudders* Don't you get how wrong it would be if he was my brother? *sigh* Dam it. If anyone asks me if Ether's my brother I'm either going to just fricken ignore you, or punch you. Yesh I get that pissed off by you people annoying me with your stupid jokes. I seriously don't get how all those people think we're related, but oh well. Ask me about it and I will just ignore you because I'm sick of it all. =[ I mean, wouldn't you get annoyed if someone thought your friend was your brother? Especially when you have no idea how they could come to that fact when they're not even the same ethnicity as you. Sure the Japanese came from Chinese, but after thousands of years, how do you people still get them mixed up? I don't know, nor do I really want to know why you people think that Ether Lin is my brother. I mean, we don't even have the same last name. I mean, my name is Haruka Shinigami. Lin, Shinigami, how the fuck do u people think we could be siblings if we don't even have the same last name? Or, sometimes siblings don't have the same last name, but you'd still think they'd be in the same language for god's sake. *sigh* Oh well, I'm just gonna ignore you people because I'm sick of all your jokes. T.T I still don't get how you mistake me for my friend's sister, but whatever. I give up. Keep telling you're jokes. I'll just ignore you.

Confused and mistaken,
-Haruka Shinigami

._.

here we are =] yesh yesh boredom....

Here we are, in the world of pain and suffering. I hate it. Someday I'll change this world, even if it kills me to do so. *sigh* yesh yesh, boredom was the prime source of why I decided to write another update for today. Lawlz. Well at least I'm no longer in pain. Because the I get to take pain killerz every 2 hours. And every 6 hours I have to take antibiotics. T.T So many drugs, can bearly remember which I'm supposed to take when. *sigh* Oh well, at least I'll be fine in a couple of weeks. Lawlz. HIHI~ So ya, lets see. Hmm...there isn't much to do now a dayz. Well, for someone who just had oral surgery I seem much too happy and carefree than most people would be. Lawlz. LaLaLa~ ^^ Yesh yesh, music ish awesome. Well, I seriously have absolutely no idea what this post is about. It's mostly randomness. Well, randomness is a good thing, that is if you're asking me. ^^ Hmm....yesh yesh, what to do what to do.... Dam all my friends. They're all dead. They won't respond to IM, they're away from their computer, they refuse to pick up their cell phone. T.T I'm alone. Okay, I'm not really, they're all just busy because they have school this week and I don't. Lawlz. Yayz. *sigh* LOL. Well, at least the pain is gone. I have to thank the pain killers for that cause they are working really well. So yesh, I think I'm only happy at the moment because I'm like high off pain killerz and I'm listening to a whole bunch of my favorite songs. ^^ So yesh, this is just a bunch of total randomness that I'm thinking of as I recover from my first surgery ever. Yesh it was oral surgery to remove all four of my wisdom teeth. It hurts, but I know that if I didn't do it now I'd have so many other painful problems later on. So ya, I guess the topic of this post is my recovery from surgery. ^^ Yesh yesh, the drugs work very well so it doesn't hurt that much. And the music keeps me from thinking too much. I guess I'm prolly better than most people are after surgery. Most people would just lay down and sleep and bitch at people. While I'm here, just as always, writing posts, listening to music, IMing my friends. Etc. Etc. ^^ LaLaLa~ Musicing as usual. Yesh, there are many songs that I love. And since there is so many I highly doubt you want me to post them here because it would take me an eternity to write them out and an eternity for you to read them all. Lawlz. *happy happy happy* For once I feel happy, but I bet it's just the pain killerz making me all loopy. ^^ Well, yesh, I'm doing fine now that the pain is gone. So, I guess now that I have nothing else to write here, I'm just going to end this post here.

Lalala,
-Haruka Shinigami

Baii peoplez~

fhkfvasgvfklajsdfghjfds.adf

Yesh yesh, I can't think of a title because I'm once again brain dead beacause of the throbbing pain that is running through my head at the moment. *sigh* Ooo, being brain dead is fun. You seriously can't think. Okayz lawlz. *sigh* Yesh yesh, I'm in fricken pain and I can't take the pain killerz because you need to take them with food and we have to food that I'm allowed to eat. T.T *sigh* I feel like just dying because I'm in so much pain. I liked the numbness, I want it back. It fricken hurts at the moment. T.T I seriously need some pain killers before I just decide to kill myself because of how extreme the pain is. *sigh* Throbbing, pulsating pain. OWWz. O well. I'm done ranting about pain. I mean, there's not much left right except for the fact that it feels like my heart is being torn out of my body, I'm being lit on fire, disembowled, and torn apart limb by limb. Yeah, thats how bad this pain is and I want it to fricken just go away because it hurts so much. I'm so going to hate this week. I mean, now I can't enjoy anything because every two hours I have to take pain medication to dull the throbbing pain. OWWz. I feel like dying. I mean, I bet dying isn't as painful as this. No, death is peaceful. Being alive is where the pain is. Because when you're dead you can't feel anything. Being alive means you have emotions and feelings, senses. Dam pain, just disappear. Why can't my mom get home sooner so I can take the stupid pain meds and numb this stupid pain. *sigh* OWWz. I feel like dying. I hate this pain. It's so fricken annoying. T.T

Brain dead due to pain,

-Haruka Shingami

T_T owwz......

T.T OWW, in pain, can't think of a title...

Seriosly, why do we have wisdom teeth if we just get them pulled out anywayz? It sucks. My mouth hurts. T.T *sigh* Well at least everything tastes like blood now because my won't stop bleeding. ^^ But stil, today was not fun. I was woken up at 8:30 in the morning to go and get my wisdom teeth pulled. It hurts so much. I hate it that they hurt so much. At least it didn't take a long time. It was just a couple of minutes, and I was half asleep the whole time, from the annestetic and because I was still sleeply from waking up lest than an hour before that. *sigh* OWW. Dam it, it hurts so much. I mean, what is the point of wisdom teeth? There's never enough room in your mouth to keep them and they just end up causing a lot of problems. I mean, LOTS of problems. Like breaking into your nasal cataties. Form liquid filled cysts that could damaged ur bones. They also can get cavaties in places you can't brush. They can cause infections. They can destroy the teeth adjacent to them. *sigh* I hate today. All my friends are at school and I had to have a dentist appointment that will help in the long run, but at the moment, it just fricken hurts. Normally people don't get their wisdom teeth until they're around 17. And here I am, having them pulled out at 13 years of age. *sigh* My mouth feels weird. Both because it's numb and because there are gauze pads in it to help heal the pockets were my wisdom teeth were. My mouth keeps bleeding. I can't even enough my frapacino because it tastes so much like blood. T.T Ya, coffee and blood don't mix very well. Oh well, I get to take a whole bunch of pain killers (aka drugs) to dull the pain. Though I'd much rather just feel it because I can't think straight at the moment. I don't know how I am still able to type out this post, but somehow I can. *sigh* Today sucks so much. OWW. Dam teeth. I hate that I had to get you so early. And why now, why right before thankzgiving? I mean, now I can't enjoy my thankzgiving dinner. T.T OWWz. Hmm....I wonder what my friends are is doing today. Well, I know for a fact that they're all in school right now, except for a few who go to my school. T.T I can't hang out with my friends. I can't eat. I can't think. *sigh* Today has been total fricken crap.

In pain,

-Haruka Shinigami

OWW~

¤_¤ boredom sucks; ajdkljfaafda

Boredom sucks. Although it does lead to some hilarious things sometimes. *sigh* I hate being bored, but there is absolutely nothing to do anymore. I mean, being alive is about as boring as being dead. Because when you're dead there isn't anything to do. And being alive there isn't anything to do. T.T Why must the world be so boring? Dam it, I need something to do. Otherwise I just might die of boredom. Or I'll die because I believe it is something to do to end my boredom. *sigh* I hate this. I hate everything. Boredom sucks. It's just the feeling of having nothing to do, which is all the time for me. *sigh* Boredom = Depression? I never thought of it that way, but maybe it does. I mean, when I'm bored I'm usually depressed too. T.T Double wammy. Dam it. Oh well. Boredom sucks. Life is shit. I hate life. I hate people. I hate the light. Dam day time. There is nothing to do during the day. Nothing to do in the night, except roam around unseen. People don't cure boredom, or depression. Life is what causes depression and boredom. I wonder how nice death would be right now. Hmm.....

Debating life,

-Haruka Shinigami

Goodbye~

worst vacation everz :[

Dam high schools, just let the kids out of your prision. Why must the high schoolers have school this week? Well, at least they have Thursday and Friday off. ^^ But dam it, they have to have school today? I hate it. I'm home, alone, and I'm fricken bored. T.T I miss you peoples. I want to hang out again. I don't like being alone. I don't like the light. I don't like how quiet my house is. It's shit. *sigh* I hate my life right now. There is absolutely nothing to do. And I just realized how fricken loud my ipod is at the moment. If I take the headphones off I can hear perfectly well across the room. Ya, it's that loud. ^^ Oh well, at least it keeps me from thinking too much. Dam it. Dam it. Dam it. Can't life be good just for once? I'm depressed, again. I'm alone. I'm bored. I'm killing my ears with my ipod. *sigh* Why can't my life just be good for once? I mean, last night I was perfectly happy. Then I just had to go talk to Ether and of course, I once again became depressed. Dam it. Dam this life. I would love to just die. I mean, there isn't much to do in my life anywayz. Also, my house is haunted my some ghost that likes to mess around with stuffz. I mean, just now the TV turned on and off over and over again. So ya, this is so not the vacation I wished for. *sigh* Oh well, at least now I'm not home alone because my uncle just came back. ^^ Yayz. Now I can at least have some fun this week. *sigh* Though I'm definately going to hate tomorrow. Stupid denists appointment. T.T Now won't that be fun? Absolutely not. Dam it. Lawlz. Stupidity. *sigh* Dam this break, all my high school friends have school so they're mad at me because I don't. ^^ T.T Lawlz. Boredom. Laterz.

Dam vacation, can't you be better,

-Haruka Shinigami

Vacation Sucks~

T.T what if died, disappeared, gone....

No one would notice if I died tonight. No one would care if I died tonight. No one would notice if I disappeared in the night. No one would care if I disappeared in the night. And no one would notice if left without a goodbye. So why am I still here? Why am I still alive? *sigh* My life is shit right now. I'd love to die but there are reasons, though not really that good, that I am continuing to live my shitty life. x.x Sometimes I wonder if I should die. I mean, what's the point of living when being alive is worse than dying? Death is peaceful, easy. Life is shit, complicated. I hate my life. I hate everything about. I've never had a happy memory in my entire life. And every day just adds to the collection of pain and misery. I hate it. I hate this all. Can't I just be left alone to die? No, people must always come and add to my misery. It's all my fault; for making these friends. If I would have just stayed a loner like before, my life would be a whole lot simpler right now. No complicated friendships. Less depression. I'd just be alone. Listening to music. Being an A+ student. Just feeling nothing. Back in elementary school I never felt anything. No happiness, yet no sadness either. Yet now, now that I've gained these friends I've felt nothing but sadness and I would love to go back to my innocent bubble of numbness. Sure back in elementary school no one knew I existed, and even my teachers forgot about me at times. Sure no one cared, and no one helped me. But it was better that way. Nothing was complicated, confusing. Nothing was sad because I didn't know what sadness was back then. Everything was just numbness. Sure I pretended to be happy so people wouldn't see, but I liked the numb feeling. I didn't have to deal with endless pain. Endless misery. Eternal oblivion. I was alone. And I liked it that way. *sigh* I wish I could go back to that time and relive those perfect moments. Sure they're not happy memories. But they're so much better than the shit I have to deal with day in and day out now. *sigh* I've been happy a total of 2 times in my life. That's it. And both were recent. But they only lasted minutes, for someone or something dragged me back into depression. *sigh* And here I am again, depressed and writing a post. Dam this life. Life sucks and then you die. Ya I should be that lucky. Depression kills and I believe that one day, one day soon, it shall take my life and rip it to shreds. Not like there's much to rip away at anywayz. I mean, each days the same. It's beginning to be a bit monotonous. *sigh* Every day I feel more and more sad. The black hole that is my heart grows, ever so slowly, with each sad thought. Soon I shall be destroyed by my own being. Killed by my own thoughts. I hate this life. I hate everything about it. Someone end my misery. Just kill me now. Please. I'm sorry, goodbye.

Dying,

-Haruka Shinigami

I'm sorry I'm dying~

dam stalkers, just fricken leave me alone :[

Well, here I am, at midnight, bored and writing a post. Well, it's mainly because I can't sleep because my good friend Ether, who should of known better than to tell me his friend was stalking me decided it was a good idea to say someone was stalking me and I never noticed. :[ Dam this all, I'm afraid of stalkers. Now I can't sleep and if somehow I do get to sleep I bet I'll have nightmares about stalkers. T.T I seriously hate Ether right now. I have two fears, and those are of stalkers and of spiders (but only when the spider sneaks up on me; if i just see it I'll be fine but if it appears out of no where I'll freak). And the worst of those two fears is the stalkers. Stalkers are fricken scary. You have no idea why they are stalking you half the time and most of the time you don't know they are stalking you until they try to attack you, hurt you, rape you, or kill you. T.T Why must there be stalkers in this world? I'm fine with plain out rapists like some of my friends could be considered, but why stalkers? I hate stalkers. They scare me. @.@ I've been stalked by two of my friends, and now by my friend's friend. *sigh* Can't these stalkers just leave me alone for once? Or am I just a stalker magnet? *sigh* Dam all you stalkers. Dam you all to hell. Just give it up. If I ever catch someone stalking me you better hope that you're a real good friend to me or else you might end up...well, let's just say you'd be wishing for death when I'm done with you. Warning, I always have some type of weapon on me so I suggest you don't try to attack me. You'll just get yourself hurt. Hahaha. Lawlz. Stalkers, warning, leave me alone, or else I will kill you. Or worse. Lawlz. So yes, I am afraid of stalkers so don't you dare stalk me because I will destroy you. ^^ Yayz, destroying people is fun. Do no stalk me. Unless you want to die. Lawlz. Stalkers beware, I will kill you for I am afraid of your kind. I'm fine with rapists, vampires, and serial killers but stalkers, beware. Lawlz. Well I'm going to try and get some sleep, even though I bet it will just kill my brain to do so because of the nightmares I know I will have. *sigh* Ether you are so dead when I see you. Well, time to try and sleep.

Fearing stalkers,

-Haruka Shinigami

Warning~

"Life is shit" x.x asdfghjkl;

Life is shit. You might hear that a lot but you know what, it's totally true. Life is shit, and then you die. It's as simple as that. I mean, ever since school started again my life's been shit. For crying out loud, the 8th graders aren't going to Great America this year. No instead were forced to go to Saratoga Springs. Ya, me and my friends aren't going to school that day. Instead were probably gonna head to the mall or hang out or something. Lawlz. Also the 8th graders might not graduate at the HP pavillion or the South Hall, but instead at our school. Oh ya, we might not have an "8th grade dance." There has been rumors that our 8th graders only dance will become the last dance for all grades. Worst of all, there is over 1000 students at my school now. That's more than there ever has been. Also my life has been shit since I've come back to school. I mean, Bryan's dumped my backpack into a garbage can. Andy's hit me nearly every single day. 99% of the people I know hate me. My own friends insult me. T.T I hate this all. I feel left out when I try to talk to my friends. It's like I don't even know them anymore. *sigh* This year has been a total drag. If only, if only, I could already be in high school. Then I wouldn't have to deal with certain people and things. Lawlz. Oh well, at least one of those problems will be taken care of next year because she just so happened to piss off a couple of my friends with her actions. Some of my friends hate her because of what she's done to me. Others of what she's done to them. Lawlz. Other than that fact, I still would love to die because nothing is write. Life is shit and no one knows how to change that fact. Why can't everyoen just get along? I've been asked that question many times throught that past 3 years, and my answer to it ever time was: "this is middle school." Everything is shit right now. There is no skateboards at my school for the rest of 2008. We cannot go outside of the gated area for this month, and possible till the end of the school year because no one wants to pick up the trash that they've just thrown on the ground in the first place. And well, in general school is shit at the moment. I've been annoyed by so many people about how me and two different people of my friends would make a perfect couple. So annoying. x.x And I've been annoyed by so many people that there probably isn't enough ammo in the world to kill them all. *sigh* Life is shit and mine is total shit right now. Well at least it's almost Sunday and I can play tennis with my friends and stuffz. Yayz, tennis. I'm going to make sure that my friend gets what he deserves. Last time I played tennis with him he hit me on the head so he deserves to die at least once on Sunday. Well, maybe Sunday will be good, but I doubt it. *sigh* Such a shitty life I have.

Ooo, my life sucks at the moment,

-Haruka Shinigami

Bleh~

Friends; chinese school; lawlz...asdfgbnme;

Endless boredom, yes. Why you might ask? Because I'm stuck here, home, alone, without anyone to talk to because all my friends are studying for their chinese school midterms. Asian parents suck, they make you do things you don't want to do, like go to chinese school. Or take midterms. What type of teenager actually wants to study a second language that involves tons of tiny little characters that look more like lines that were just randomly squiggled out by a 5-year-old? Well, if you say that you are one of those few rare people them I'm sure all of my friends would send you an IM that clearly states: o.O?! Lawlz. So ya, I'm bored because all my friends have midterms. Lawlz. Lucky me, I'm not chinese. Lucky me, my mom isn't asian. Lucky me, I don't have to go to any type of asian school. XD Well, I can speak Japanese, even though my parents don't know what I'm saying half the time so I can cuss in front of them all the time and they have absolutely no idea what I'm saying. Unfortunately my brother knows all the cuss words that I know... Well, whatever, as long as I have a way to cuss in front of my parents without them knowing what I'm saying, I'm fine. So there is one upside to going to asian school, and thats to cuss in front of people who don't know the language. Major things that suck about it are, you lose a few precious hours of a Saturday morning that you could have spent watching cartoons, eating cereal, hanging out with friends, reading, shopping, or doing something other than sitting in a freezing classroom staring at lines. Yes, I call chinese and japanese characters lines just because that's what they are. They're a bunch of lines. :[ So here I am, bored because no one can talk to me because they all must study for midterms. If my friends were smart like me, they'd do their homework the day they get it assigned to them and then study for about an hour every day before the test. But no, high schoolers aren't smart like that. They have to wait till the last minute for everything. *sigh* I'm bored, as always, because they have to have chinese school. dam asian parents, just let the kids do what they want with their Saturday mornings. I mean, who has the right to take away your freedom of spending a Saturday morning the way you want to? No one has the right to do that yet they do so anyways. Technically you don't have to go to chinese, vietnamese, japanese, korean, or any other asian school. The only school you must go to is public or private or homeschooling for k-12 for american school. So yes, asians are often forced to go to more school than others. Lucky me I get out of having to go. Unlucky me, I'm bored when I can't talk to my friends...

Ranting on parents is fun,

-Haruka Shinigami

Lawlz~